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Lies and Tiger and branding, oh my!

Dan Sayles, Sports Editor

Dan Sayles, Sports Editor

If there is one thing to be gleaned from the whole Tiger Woods mistress fiasco, it’s that the American public eats it up like leftover mashed potatoes. There will be few people who think otherwise, and just blame the networks of just being greedy shills, and that they do not reflect the average American.

However, let us examine this hypothesis. Is it not simply undone for the fact that the news networks, or news outlets in general, keep doing this? Why would they? If the average American doesn’t care about Tiger Woods obvious infidelities, (hint: It was his grin that should have tipped you off) then surely the news networks would lose ratings and cash from advertisement and would stop doing it altogether.

They haven’t, so obviously lots of American’s care, or they just stare at a news television show that they despise but watch anyways like some masochist, wheezing up Cheeto dust.

In my past column, I petitioned for a call to moderate reason, but you know what? Screw it. It’s not going to happen. So, I will instead adopt a new principle. Major news networks, meet me on paragraph five.

Hello, kind of you to meet me here, CNN, MSNBC, and even you Fox News. I would like to thank the three of you for doing the thing you do. You know, going absolute bananas over stories that to be absolutely truthful, should belong to tabloid newspapers and magazines.

It sort of brings a fuzzy feeling whenever I see a bunch of grown, professional adults who graduated school all go into a frenzy literally over a shiny object in the sky, and then back off when it was revealed a hoax.

The catnip that tantalized the media with Tiger was the sheer “mystery” of it all. Why was he barreling out of his house at such a late time? How did he clip a fire hydrant and then ram a tree, and not be drunk? Was his wife a hero for breaking in the back of his SUV with a golf club to save him?

Tiger Woods was running for his life, guys. I am not an expert on safety procedures in procuring injured drivers from large vehicles, but I am fairly certain you don’t bash the back of the SUV with a golf club when the drivers seat was wide open.

Now we come down to the crux of it, my three corporate news compadres. These are celebrities, and they have given up any semblance of privacy that I personally enjoy for my own entertainment. There is no use to watching your networks, as I have yet to see an anything on them that wasn’t an all-around groping affair. Because I am, dog gone it, an intelligent American with access to the Internet and certain sense of awareness.

So go ahead, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox, leave now and take heart, you are doing to the American public what Mother Nature should have done a long time ago: separate and weed out the weak, the stupid, the ignorant, and the careless.

And when the time comes, when people are running and screaming that the hundred explosions in space is when Mexico unleashes it’s Space Naval Armada upon the United States, I will be sitting here, sipping a cola, putting on my shades and smile as the flames of stupidity rage on.

And I will whisper to myself, “Boy, this sure is fun.”

Dan Sayles, a senior journalism major, is copy editor of the Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at

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